My first night in neighboring Kenya was sleepless. I constantly thought about my late mother, Mary Nyibol Akuotnyin, and the day I left South Sudan, along with the dreams we once shared. I asked myself whether those dreams were ever meant to be fulfilled. I left the country without being able to give back to her for the sacrifices she made raising me during the liberation struggle, when we lived in the bush before South Sudan gained independence.
Due to ongoing profiling and persecution, returning to South Sudan has become impossible. What I once believed would be a temporary exile has turned into a prolonged absence. Returning to Juba now poses a serious threat to my life. Because of this predicament, I was denied the chance to mourn my mother properly, to attend her wake, see her body, and be present at her burial.
As a dissident journalist, I cannot simply return home. That reality made losing my veteran mother even more painful. I had to attend her final send-off virtually, unable to stand by her side in South Sudan as she was laid to rest.
On Sunday morning at around 8 a.m. in South Sudan, 9 a.m., where I am now, I received the devastating news of my mother’s death. My mother, Mary Nyibol Akuotnyin, was the only surviving spouse of my late father, Makuach Anyar Dhuor. I am grieving deeply.
The pain was compounded by the fact that I had spoken with her just the night before. Our phone conversation on Saturday night was emotional and intimate. Learning the following morning that my beloved mother lay in a casket shattered me and brought me to tears.
I keep reflecting on that final conversation. It was meaningful and profound. She advised me to value friendships, to have more friends and fewer enemies. That call reflected the deep bond we shared and the strength of her character, shaped by years of hardship and resilience during the liberation strugglefrom the days of Sudan to the present Republic of South Sudan.
My mother, Mary Nyibol Akuotnyin, has been mourned by family and friends across the world. Though distance and exile kept me from her burial, her legacy, love, and sacrifices remain forever with me.